Hello. Again

We've been busy.

Ten months since my last blog post... What can I say, we've been really busy.

We've been raising a little human who is growing into the most wonderful, beautiful boy, who we love more and more each day as he develops his own cheeky personality.

I've gone back to work, and I've attempted to learn how to juggle being a working mummy {definitely still learning).

Crucially, I've been recovering from pretty severe postnatal depression. It's such a strange thing to look back on a certain period of your life, and recognise both your most cherished memories, but also your darkest ever moments. How you can go from the pure elation of seeing your newborn smile for the first time, or feeling their warmth against your chest, to feeling nothing at all - a complete emptiness - or worse, intrusive thoughts which make you doubt your own existence. 

The last 18 months or so have been the hardest of my life, without question. I feel exhausted from the strain of it all. But I also feel like a completely different person to who I was the last time I wrote on the blog. I have confidence again. I have mornings where I feel energised and raring to go again - although that's definitely not every day, what with Henry's frequent night time wake ups! I've started to pursue my own passions - things I want to do purely for enjoyment, not because I need to or feel I have to. I'm able to look to the future again, and make plans beyond a few hours {I will however still be late to them, because some things never change sadly}.

My head is still a tangled mess of emotions a lot of the time, but perhaps that is normal once you're a parent? I feel shame over how I was when I was poorly, how I could have been, how I am now and how I could be. I have guilt as a mum, guilt as a wife, guilt as a daughter, guilt as a friend and guilt as a colleague. I have huge doubts over my aspirations, my strengths, my appearance and my character. I worry about things.

But I also laugh most days - usually at my husband's jokes which are quite often appalling but which make me properly belly laugh. I've started exercising again {only once a week, let's not go mad...} But it feels lovely to be looking after my body once more. I can jump in the car and drive without batting an eyelid, instead of dreading 10 minute journeys for days beforehand. I can see our little boy developing at the speed of light, and am often found simply stood with my husband as we gaze at him playing with his toys - or even just sleeping - with inane grins on our faces, proclaiming for the seventeenth time that day how lucky we are.

My ride has not been an easy one - but as I keep saying, I know that nobody's is ever without challenges. I finally feel like I'm coming out the other side. I definitely still have some way to go, and I'm not sure what it is - if anything - I need to do yet. But as that brilliant saying goes, "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey". And I think it's about time that I enjoy the journey.

I'm back. Hello. Again.